I've been feeling down lately. I'm just that sort. I go through phases of joy, phases of contentment, phases of mundane daily life and phases of blugh. Lately has been the latter.
Life is just hard. It's generally fulfilling and joyous and so rewarding too but it's HARD. We've been having a few tough nights lately and I think that's when the impact and responsibility of motherhood hits home the hardest. There's no letup, no respite and no clocking off. I am "Mum(my)" literally 24/7. I don't get to leave the office, and there are no holidays for the stay at home mum.
It seems like every moment of my life is consumed with demands. Demands for food. Demands for comfort and demands of my time, my oh so limited time. Being the parent of a teenager also means there are further demands - demands on the car, and demands on my purse! On top of all this I'm trying to retain a sense of who I am and what I want to do and maintain for myself. I've then got to figure out little slots to put into my marriage and my sex life to keep things sweet between me and the other half. And then there's the weight loss. I need to lose FIVE STONE. It sounds like such a huge amount of weight - probably because it is! My mantra with so many things in life has been "if she can do it, so can I" but I just don't know anymore - can I really? Do I have it in me? Is life just going to get the better of me?
And then of course there's the guilt. I was watching a show the other day and a woman on there talked about the day that her husband and her three year old and her ten week old got killed in a RTA. The programme had me balling my eyes out and I turned it off with a solemn vow to stop moaning and just be GRATEFUL! So why do I still spend my sleepless nights crying about how little sleep I'm getting and how much my head will hurt the following day? Why am I not cherishing every moment with my ten month old? Must try harder!!!
All this is circulating through my head this morning. I so did not want to leave my bed but the husband had to leave for work and once again E was crying for me, sometimes there's nothing else for it, she just needs her mummy! So begrudgingly I waddled downstairs in a haze of resentment and sleep deprived fogginess and lifted the crying babe into my arms. I sat down and nursed her to sooth her cries. She looked at me with such love and I couldn't help but succumb to the pang of guilt over my selfishness. She relaxed so much that she finally gave way to her overtired self and fell asleep. I sat there for a while just looking at her, taking her in and enjoying my child. I then stood up to put her to bed.
At that moment, just as I stood, I caught our reflection in the newly placed large mirror in our lounge. And there was my answer. In that tiny pocket of time, everything stood still and I saw for the first time ever my role in life so clearly defined that it took my breath away. My youngest child, still at my breast. Me with my crazy bed hair and mis-match pajamas holding her to me - the beauty of the image... I am mother, and I am blessed and I am so very grateful!
Life isn't perfect, and yes it's HARD. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not worth doing. I've come out the other side of that little epiphany and am left feeling a little more grounded. I just hope that I can call that image back to memory whenever I next feel like running from the house kicking and screaming!
No comments:
Post a Comment