One Born Every Minute & There's Always One!

I don't know if anyone's been watching the latest series of One Born Every Minute (OBEM) but geesh!

I watched yesterdays episode with something closely resembling horror, although that doesn't quite sum up the feelings that were nagging at my conscious self. I'm not entirely sure where to start so I guess I'll just plough in there and start my rambings regarding the only actual birth we saw on that episode.

Firstly, my initial thoughts of the husband were "wow, how in tune is he!" and a little jealousy tottered through my head as I mused over how nice it would have been to have had a husband who seemingly cared so much (bearing in mind DH nearly missed E's birth as he was too engrossed in MY wordsearch!). Of course by the end of the episode I would have quite happily gone at him with a baseball bat but alas I digress...

I guess the most overwhelming aspect of that birth that struck me was Donna's fear. I found it truly upsetting that she seemed to have so little faith in her body's ability to birth. Watching her struggle over every contraction, I couldn't help but think how much less painful they would be if she could just relax and let go of that fear. They touched on her previous birth and reading between the lines I think she probably had quite a traumatic time and possibly had some undiagnosed PTSD to deal with. It wasn't her fear however that filled me with whatever emotion it was that I was feeling though, it was the whole process. No one there seemed to be doing anything to calm her and reassure her (although I have to admit that her partner and her sister did do an awesome job as birth partners - not what I would have wanted but clearly what she needed). I couldn't understand why she needed to get out of the pool? What was the urgency with getting the baby out and not letting nature take it's course? And probably more importantly, if they really did need to get her out of the pool because "baby's not descending", how is laying flat on her back on a hospital bed going to help with that issue? It also really strikes me as odd that women who've not had an epidural get told when to push - that really baffles me as there is nothing on this Earth more powerful than the command of the female labouring body during transition. I sure as hell didn't need to be told when to push (other than by my body that is), and nothing could have made me push when my body wasn't telling me to!

I am aware that I get on my soap box a bit too much and get a little too obsessed with the "natural" approach to things, and am trying to view OBEM in a more laid back fashion but still, I just could not get my head around the reasons for anything that happened during that birth (other than the baby coming out of her mum that is lol.

And yes, those of you know know me are no doubt waiting for this next bit: I know that 20% of mums chose to formula feed from birth, one of my bestest friends did with three of her children, but I just don't understand it and have to admit that seeing a baby that was probably less than an hour hold with a bottle of formula in her mouth made me more than a little sad. It's not about judging, I know she'll have had her reasons and who am I to judge her, but I can say how it made me feel and it wasn't pleasant. I wanted the midwife to explain how precious colostrum - what a difference it would make if lo had a first feed at the breast at least...

I guess what I found most upsetting though is that it looked as though her birth was something that happened to her rather than something she participated in. She seemed somehow detached from it all, and from the baby too, or did I imagine that?

For me, the birthing of my youngest three babies was an utterly empowering and awesome experience. I have never, before or since, felt so in tune with my body; neither have I ever felt so invincible. I wish that it was like that for everyone and it makes me sad when it's not.

Monday's child

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay.

I was a Thursday's child so not sure that I'm 100% behind this peom. Although, looking at socio-economic background, I suppose I have gone far compared with my parents. I suppose some people would consider having four children as having gone too far so perhaps... Lol.

I was thinking about this little peom this morning as E was on another of her irritable hours and it struck me that she was born on a Wednesday haha! It did lead me to think some more though about expectations and stereotypes that we inadvertently impose on our children. There are things that we put on our children ourselves. For example, I caught myself saying to J the other day "when you go to university" without really thinking about it. It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that he may not want to go to uni. I'm certain that he has the capabilities but he is very much like me and I don't think that I'd have opted to go to university when I was 18, even if I'd had a more stable childhood and had the opportunity. What is the impact of these passing comments and imposed expectations? Will he automatically assume that he's going to uni, or could it possibly make him suffer should he decide he doesn't want to? Will he be afraid of disappointing us, and would we even be disappointed? It's a scary thought how much we can influence our children by passing comments but I think what scares me the most is the inability to know how much we're influencing them and what exactly the impact of that influence will be.

And then there's expectations and decisions based purely on gender. I was going through my airing cupboard earlier and came across J's old Toy Story bedding (Buzz Lightyear themed) and threw it aside for storage. I had in mind that it may come in useful again if we ever foster another boy. All this going through my mind and it never occurred to me to offer them to Sophie or Mae despite them both loving the Toy Story films - they were boys' bedding... This sort of gender expectation has been rattling round in my mind on and off for a few months, ever since reading about Gender Neutral Parenting a while back. What I've read has raised some interesting thoughts regarding stereotypes and their impact. I personally think that GNP is pretty scary tbh but it has made me think.

Going back to the poem, apparently M will work hard for a living. Bit of a shame for her really as she missed being fair, wise, good and gay by about 20 minutes, just think, if I'd held on for a few more minutes, she'd be GOOD! Damn! S is also full of woe (tell me something I don't know lol), and J is lucky enough to have been born on the Sabbath (wonder when that's gonna kick in?).

I know it's just a bit of fun but it's definitely food for thought!

So it's back to school tomorrow.

This summer has been pretty mundane if I'm being honest. We had a few highlights - camping was one. It was a really good trip but was only for three nights. Then we went to London for dinner, show and hotel which was lovely but again, just one night.

I have loved having the kids around. Although it has to be said that I am becoming more and more convinced that my eldest is becoming more and more suicidal (his goading of me and appalling attitude is just far too frequent to be a natural progression of adolescence) so that's something to watch out for.

E has continued her general routine of being poorly and thus poor sleep, well for a few days (good sleep), then teething (poor sleep), then well for a few days (good sleep), then poorly again... And so the cycle continues. She's on the cusp of walking and I think that too may be messing with her sleep. I do wonder if perhaps the leaking shower from above her room has something to do with her getting poorly so often - there's a constant wet patch on her ceiling and it smells very damp in there. We redid the sealant yesterday but it remains to be seen if this has had an impact on her health.

S had brought a whole new depth and meaning to that old line from the Oxo (or was it Bisto?) advert of days gone by: "My mummy says, when I grow up I'm going to be a proper little madam!". She has sported such lines as "you just sprayed water all over me you moron" and "no Daddy, I'm not pants, just the boss" when hubby dared call her "bossy pants". She has this poise about her that just speaks volumes. Words fail me when trying to illustrate that for anyone who may read this - I think the quote above just sums it up! It's funny. I've never been particularly girlie and yet my eldest daughter is very much so - definitely a girlie girl. I can see her becoming very catty too so will have to keep an eye out!

M is just M. I think it's the age but she is such fun right now. Some of the things she comes out with just crack me up and she epitomizes the whole concept of "cheeky"! She's got this big round face that just reiterates her whole character and she is so entertaining. She is learning new ways every day of winding her older sister up and that is infuriating. Poor S can't seem to ignore her and M takes full advantage. I'm very curious as to how E will fit into the dynamics of this little duo when she's old enough.

So as from tomorrow we have normal life restored and routine will once again have a place in this house. Part of me has longed for this day but a larger part is saddened that it is so close.

The picture of motherhood

I've been feeling down lately. I'm just that sort. I go through phases of joy, phases of contentment, phases of mundane daily life and phases of blugh. Lately has been the latter.

Life is just hard. It's generally fulfilling and joyous and so rewarding too but it's HARD. We've been having a few tough nights lately and I think that's when the impact and responsibility of motherhood hits home the hardest. There's no letup, no respite and no clocking off. I am "Mum(my)" literally 24/7. I don't get to leave the office, and there are no holidays for the stay at home mum.

It seems like every moment of my life is consumed with demands. Demands for food. Demands for comfort and demands of my time, my oh so limited time. Being the parent of a teenager also means there are further demands - demands on the car, and demands on my purse! On top of all this I'm trying to retain a sense of who I am and what I want to do and maintain for myself. I've then got to figure out little slots to put into my marriage and my sex life to keep things sweet between me and the other half. And then there's the weight loss. I need to lose FIVE STONE. It sounds like such a huge amount of weight - probably because it is! My mantra with so many things in life has been "if she can do it, so can I" but I just don't know anymore - can I really? Do I have it in me? Is life just going to get the better of me?

And then of course there's the guilt. I was watching a show the other day and a woman on there talked about the day that her husband and her three year old and her ten week old got killed in a RTA. The programme had me balling my eyes out and I turned it off with a solemn vow to stop moaning and just be GRATEFUL! So why do I still spend my sleepless nights crying about how little sleep I'm getting and how much my head will hurt the following day? Why am I not cherishing every moment with my ten month old? Must try harder!!!

All this is circulating through my head this morning. I so did not want to leave my bed but the husband had to leave for work and once again E was crying for me, sometimes there's nothing else for it, she just needs her mummy! So begrudgingly I waddled downstairs in a haze of resentment and sleep deprived fogginess and lifted the crying babe into my arms. I sat down and nursed her to sooth her cries. She looked at me with such love and I couldn't help but succumb to the pang of guilt over my selfishness. She relaxed so much that she finally gave way to her overtired self and fell asleep. I sat there for a while just looking at her, taking her in and enjoying my child. I then stood up to put her to bed.

At that moment, just as I stood, I caught our reflection in the newly placed large mirror in our lounge. And there was my answer. In that tiny pocket of time, everything stood still and I saw for the first time ever my role in life so clearly defined that it took my breath away. My youngest child, still at my breast. Me with my crazy bed hair and mis-match pajamas holding her to me - the beauty of the image... I am mother, and I am blessed and I am so very grateful!

Life isn't perfect, and yes it's HARD. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not worth doing. I've come out the other side of that little epiphany and am left feeling a little more grounded. I just hope that I can call that image back to memory whenever I next feel like running from the house kicking and screaming!

Bum fluff

So, lets get down to the nitty gritty of bum fluff - and I'm not talking about the not-quite-as-fine-as-it-used-to-be hair growing from a pubescent boy's face either! Today I'm talking cloth nappies.

I'm curious. Cloth nappies work out cheaper. They are better for the enviroment. They are sooooooo much easier than they used to be and lets face it, they're sooooo much cuter!!! With modern washing machines and the antibacterial properties of most fabrics, it's no longer necessary to soak our nappies and the variety is immense. There are nappies out there to suit every budget and for those who do chose cloth, it can often become somewhat of an addiction. I sure wish that I had more disposable cash to spend on some of the beautiful nappies currently available. So, why is it that cloth nappy users are still so hugely in the minority?

I've heard so many mums come out with "oh I couldn't be doing with that" and things like "it's hard enough coping with a newborn without adding to my load". Are people today seriously misguided enough to actually believe this? When you have two adults and a baby in a home, is doing an extra load of washing once or twice a week really going to make the blindest bit of difference to your workload? Because at the end of the day, that's all it takes - an extra load of washing.

When I bought the bulk of my nappies back in 2006, nappies had moved on a hell of a lot from what they were back in the 80s. You could buy all in ones (AIOs) that go on like a disposable. The downside of these was a) they were much more expensive; b) they took forever to dry and c) they would often need replacing before a child trained as Polyurethene laminate (PUL) is not designed to be washed quite as frequently as would be necessary with AIOs. Some of the AIOs currently being marketed have combatted a lot of these issues though. The pocket nappy was pretty unheard of in the UK at that time or I may have considered it. The pocket nappy consists of a liner interior (usually fleece), that wicks liquid away from baby's skin) and a waterproof outer. The absorbent bit of the nappy comes in the form of an insert or "booster" that you put inside an opening at the front or back of the nappy. This eliminates the rediculous drying times of many AIOs but retains the ease of use and convenience. Due to a lot of the newer fabrics currently being used such as microfibre and bamboo, they are a lot more absorbent and not nearly so bulky. Some of the nappies I have have an inbuilt liner but some require a separate liner (these can be fleece squares or flushable disposable liners). Then there's the actual nappy - the absorbent bit. Some of mine are polyester, some are cotton and some are bamboo. Bamboo are the most absorbant but take longest to dry. The advantage of the polyester is that they dry in next to no time although they are pretty bulky. And then the last stage is the waterproof outer or "wrap". Most of mine are PUL although I do have a few woolen wraps - these need to be lanolized. I made the plunge into cloth four years ago when the selection wasn't nearly as great as it is now.

Nowadays, you can still opt for the three part nappy system - this certainly works out cheaper than a lot of other alternatives but you can get great one size AIOs/pocket nappies which, depending on where you buy them, can also be extremely cost effective. I can't imagine just choosing disposables if I were having my first baby right now. Wee Notions (and I'm sure some other companies too) make nappies to order so you can even design your own and have them made to your exact specification! And then there are the animal character nappies Starbunz. You can order these as AIOs, PNs or just as a waterproof wrap. How cool are they??!! Cloth nappies no longer need to be ridiculously bulky and on a hot summers day, having your baby sporting nothing but a cute cloth nappy is just the most adorable thing!

Approximately three billion disposable nappies are put in bins in the UK every year. That's just from the UK. We are already running out of landfill sites - to me, it beggars belief that disposable nappies are even legal! My mother in law has often told me of the first disposable nappies and how she wasn't able to buy them for her first child as they didn't really become readily available in the UK until the birth of her second child, my husband in 1980. And back then they consisted of a large roll, similar to cotton wool that you cut off to the required size and you used these with the plastic pants that you used to use with the terry squares. So by her account, disposable nappies have only been used for 30 years. What'll happen in another 30 years when there's actually 60 years' worth of waste, double what we've got now - or in 90, or 120... Surely we can't go on like this? Something is gonna have to give and personally, I think the sooner the better.

Added to the stress on our ever filling and limited landfill sites is the environmental impact of the manufacture of disposable nappies. And the ones that don't make it into the landfills instead find their way into incinerators and become harmful toxic gases being pumped out into the air we breath.

I've heard arguments regarding cloth nappies not being any kinder to the environment when considering their manufacture, the materials used, the energy and chemicals used to wash them etc but anyone using these arguments clearly has no understanding of the manufacturing process for their disposable counterparts. Also, when the cloth nappies you buy end up being used on several babies, such as mine for example (have been used on three babies now), they turn out to be even better for the environment. There is a relatively good resale value to cloth nappies too so when you are done with them, you can pass them on, recoup some of your expenditure and also do a further good turn to the environment. As for the energy, chemicals and water used to launder cloth, this can be fairly minimal if you want it to be. I use soap nuts for my nappies which are, as the name suggests, nuts that emit soap. A totally natural product. I never tumble my nappies and therefore aren't using energy for this and I dry pail which means the only water used is the water in the washer. If my nappies do need an extra rinse, I use bath water that we're finished with. Also, if you are trying to be as much of an eco-warrior as possible, it's important to chose your fabric well. Fair trade organic cotton, hemp and bamboo are great materials - 100% renewable and probably the best choices for the tree hugger in you :D

So what are the arguments for NOT using cloth nappies? Convenience? You have to actually go to the shops to buy disposable nappies - an inconvenience in itself and thus adding further to the already large carbon footprint of the disposable nappy. Yes, you get to put them in the bin and forget about them but at what cost? And when you finish with a cloth nappy, you get to deposit that in the bin too - the nappy bin. The only difference is that when the nappy bin gets full, you don't empty it into the outside bin, you empty it into the washing machine!

People who know me will all nod knowingly when I say that I am the most disorganized person I know. I'm totally hopeless. Most days I spend chasing my tail trying to get things into order and usually fail miserably because there's not an organized bone in my body! So I put it to anyone considering using cloth nappies, or those who feel that they "can't be doing with that" if I can do it, why can't you?

Is it just me or am I on my own again?

Sorry to bring a downer to a generally up beat blog but I feel so totally shitty today.

Does anyone ever get the feeling that they just weren't meant to be born when they were to the people they were born to? I feel so totally out of sorts - like a square peg in a round hole. I've never felt like I fit in. From school, to family, to work and now just simply looking around the playground at the other mums - I'm just not like other people. I think that most people around me think me totally barking mad and the very few that actually "get" me probably think me even madder! Some people pity me and some people bitch about me. Some snicker and can be cruel but then there are those that pass me with a patronizing, somewhat curious look. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and maybe I'm just plain paranoid but either way, I'm still that square peg.

I don't know what the reasons are for my oddities. There could be thousands of explanations - probably all of them holding a little weight. I suppose I put it mostly down to my upbringing. I wasn't raised in a conventional way. It was a single parent family with a fairly abusive single parent. I guess a large contributing factor is that I never really learnt or understood a lot of social etiquette. I still to this day don't understand why people find swearing offensive. They are just words at the end of the day. If I drop a glass of milk everywhere, why is saying "Oh Man!" more socially acceptable than saying "Oh Fuck!"? I just don't get it. Neither phrase holds any relevance over the situation and neither "man" nor "fuck" have anything to do with a spilled glass of milk... It's just something we say to let off a little steam and it has to be said that more often than not, in that situation the F word's gonna win with me.

And then there's the "hippy" outlook on life. I don't think that I'm that "tree-hugger-ish" Yes, I use cloth nappies - I care about the fact that every disposable nappy ever made is still out there in the world's landfills festering away. I care about the harmful chemicals we have around our home and that find their way into our bodies. I care about where our foods have come from and how it's been treated before it comes to us. I'm trying right now to find a realistic alternative to milk as I feel hypocritical still buying dairy knowing what I know about the dairy industry. Save having a lactating cow in my back garden, I don't think there's much that'll convince me it's ethical and therefore OK to consume dairy products - and that's not taking into account all the unnatural nature of modern milk. Even my husband thinks I'm going way too far with this one.

I am also seriously lacking in the ability to think before I speak. It's the same with written word. I don't edit what I type - be it on here or on an online forum. I just type and then post. I tend to re-read and sometimes edit for typos but that's about it. I seem to lack the ability to sensor my communication so sometimes I'm blunt, sometimes I curt but most often the source of most offense is simply that what I come out with is just downright inappropriate. I guess that leads onto another element of my lack of comprehension of social etiquette. Why are certain subjects out of bounds for polite conversation? Why mustn't we talk about sex and associated subjects? Everyone has sex - what's the big deal? If we're all doing it, then why can't we talk about it?

Another aspect of my personality that has caused untold upset lately is my volume. I'm naturally loud. I don't walk around shouting at the top of my lungs but when talking, especially if the subject matter is pretty close to my heart, my volume just increases. It's not something I'm even aware of. But when people who have no right start "shshing" you, that's gonna leave an impression, and personally, it's gonna hurt. It's another clear message that you're not accepted as you are, you don't fit in and gives the impression that you're not wanted - it hurts.

Most of the time I find my tendency to deviate from the norm invigorating and it reaffirms my sense of being and individuality. Most of the time I'm glad I'm a little bit "different". Most of the time when people think my latest opinions crazy, I relish the opportunity to explain and enjoy that hopeful enthusiasm I have for possibly changing someone's mind or planting new seeds of thought. Most of the time however, is not today. Today I feel isolated. Today I feel totally alone and just for today, I'm wishing I was like everyone else.