Is it just me or am I on my own again?

Sorry to bring a downer to a generally up beat blog but I feel so totally shitty today.

Does anyone ever get the feeling that they just weren't meant to be born when they were to the people they were born to? I feel so totally out of sorts - like a square peg in a round hole. I've never felt like I fit in. From school, to family, to work and now just simply looking around the playground at the other mums - I'm just not like other people. I think that most people around me think me totally barking mad and the very few that actually "get" me probably think me even madder! Some people pity me and some people bitch about me. Some snicker and can be cruel but then there are those that pass me with a patronizing, somewhat curious look. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and maybe I'm just plain paranoid but either way, I'm still that square peg.

I don't know what the reasons are for my oddities. There could be thousands of explanations - probably all of them holding a little weight. I suppose I put it mostly down to my upbringing. I wasn't raised in a conventional way. It was a single parent family with a fairly abusive single parent. I guess a large contributing factor is that I never really learnt or understood a lot of social etiquette. I still to this day don't understand why people find swearing offensive. They are just words at the end of the day. If I drop a glass of milk everywhere, why is saying "Oh Man!" more socially acceptable than saying "Oh Fuck!"? I just don't get it. Neither phrase holds any relevance over the situation and neither "man" nor "fuck" have anything to do with a spilled glass of milk... It's just something we say to let off a little steam and it has to be said that more often than not, in that situation the F word's gonna win with me.

And then there's the "hippy" outlook on life. I don't think that I'm that "tree-hugger-ish" Yes, I use cloth nappies - I care about the fact that every disposable nappy ever made is still out there in the world's landfills festering away. I care about the harmful chemicals we have around our home and that find their way into our bodies. I care about where our foods have come from and how it's been treated before it comes to us. I'm trying right now to find a realistic alternative to milk as I feel hypocritical still buying dairy knowing what I know about the dairy industry. Save having a lactating cow in my back garden, I don't think there's much that'll convince me it's ethical and therefore OK to consume dairy products - and that's not taking into account all the unnatural nature of modern milk. Even my husband thinks I'm going way too far with this one.

I am also seriously lacking in the ability to think before I speak. It's the same with written word. I don't edit what I type - be it on here or on an online forum. I just type and then post. I tend to re-read and sometimes edit for typos but that's about it. I seem to lack the ability to sensor my communication so sometimes I'm blunt, sometimes I curt but most often the source of most offense is simply that what I come out with is just downright inappropriate. I guess that leads onto another element of my lack of comprehension of social etiquette. Why are certain subjects out of bounds for polite conversation? Why mustn't we talk about sex and associated subjects? Everyone has sex - what's the big deal? If we're all doing it, then why can't we talk about it?

Another aspect of my personality that has caused untold upset lately is my volume. I'm naturally loud. I don't walk around shouting at the top of my lungs but when talking, especially if the subject matter is pretty close to my heart, my volume just increases. It's not something I'm even aware of. But when people who have no right start "shshing" you, that's gonna leave an impression, and personally, it's gonna hurt. It's another clear message that you're not accepted as you are, you don't fit in and gives the impression that you're not wanted - it hurts.

Most of the time I find my tendency to deviate from the norm invigorating and it reaffirms my sense of being and individuality. Most of the time I'm glad I'm a little bit "different". Most of the time when people think my latest opinions crazy, I relish the opportunity to explain and enjoy that hopeful enthusiasm I have for possibly changing someone's mind or planting new seeds of thought. Most of the time however, is not today. Today I feel isolated. Today I feel totally alone and just for today, I'm wishing I was like everyone else.