Dear E, the child we didn't plan

Dear E

My beautiful, stunning and angelic little girl. When I allow my mind to wander back to just finding out that I was expecting you, I'm filled with shame. How is it that we thought our family was complete? How did I possibly not sense your future presence - know in my heart that there was still space there waiting for you?

I was devastated sweet girl. You see your sisters were only 1 and 2 and I was terrified what life would mean having three under three. I cried, oh how I cried. I thought about the pain of my last pregnancy having suffered severe SPD and I was terrified about having to face that again. I thought about your sister still nursing and how my milk would dry up forcing her to wean. I thought about our foster son who would no doubt be taken from us as his social worker was already unimpressed by our having your two sisters so close in age. I thought about the burden I was putting on your father who would no doubt have to become the sole bread winner for our home. I thought about the possibility of our losing our home and the devastating effect that would have on us all. I thought about your brother, and how he'd been so helpful with your sisters but how I would be burdening him further and wanting more help from him. I thought about a termination. I thought about how much easier that would be and how it would be the logical solution. But I knew without even considering it that I would never be able to abort a healthy child. I thought all these things and more.

What I didn't think about though was the miracle of pregnancy and the joy of giving birth. I didn't consider the wonderment of holding a brand new life in your arms for the very first time - a life that you'd created. I didn't think about that new nursing relationship I'd find or the smell of the newborn nestled in my embrace. I didn't think about the all encompassing piercing love that is never as intense as when it's brand new. I didn't think about the amazement and joy at watching a new life hit individual milestones; the very first smile, the first coo, the first roll. And most of all, I didn't think of you!

I look at you now and know that even if I didn't know what I wanted, someone else had a clue. The powers that be ignored my efforts and sent you to me - something that I will be eternally grateful for.

So for now sweet girl, know that you will always hold my heart in your heart. You will always be loved as much as it's humanly possible to be loved and that I watch you everyday a little more in love. You are wanted so very very much!